Daddy Buster: Hey, when you’re out at our house this week, find out what size your mom wears. I want to get her some new clothes for her birthday, clothes she can wear when we’re in Mexico.
Me: Dad, she wears an 8. But you know, you can find out yourself by sneaking a peek at the tags inside her clothes.
Daddy Buster: Tried that, she cuts them all out.
Me: I’m telling you, she wears an 8.
Daddy Buster: Check anyway.
I ask her, couched in a conversation regarding how much weight she’s lost and what size she’s down to.
She wears an 8.
I tell my dad.
He goes shopping.
I get the following frantic phone call.
Daddy Buster: The store only has small-medium-large shirts. What does that translate to?
Me: Dad, I’m at work. WORKING. Aren’t there clerks there? Can’t you ask one of them?
Daddy Buster: They scare me. You tell me.
Me (rolling eyes): Fine. Good lord. An 8 is on that weird line right between a small and a medium. I’d aim for small, since Mom’s pretty delicate, unless the shirt looks like it will be too tight.
Daddy Buster: Well, the shirt is sort of puffy, so maybe I should get the small.
Daddy Buster: Yeah, kind of crinkly.
Me: Puffy and crinkly?
Daddy Buster: Yeah. And pink.
Me: Jesus, Dad. Puffy pink? Have you even met Mom?
Daddy Buster: Okay. No on that shirt. The other one I’m looking at is, um…long.
Me: Can you a bit more descriptive?
Daddy Buster: It has kinda short, kinda long sleeves.
Me: Put the sales girl on. No, no arguing. Do it.
Sales girl: Uh, hello?
Me: Don’t let my dad by that pink crinkle shirt. My mother will hate it. What’s the other one he’s looking at?
Sales girl (chuckling): The “crinkle” shirt is actually coral colored chiffon. The one he’s looking at now is a tunic with ¾ length sleeves and a v-neck. Cotton/silk blend.
Me: Colors or patterns?
Sales girl: Brown, white, and paisley.
Me: He’s looking at the paisley, isn’t he?
Sales girl: Yes.
Me: Make him put it down.
Sales girl: Sir? Your daughter says put that down.
Me: He can get the white or brown. How’s it cut?
Sales girl: straight sides, no tailoring, a little flowy.
Me: Thank you. Put my dad back on. Dad, you can get the white or the brown in a small. Get a gift receipt.