Stupidity

I had two small projects I want to get done today. Number One was to hang a shelf/pot rack thing over our stove. Number Two was to find a piece of wood to top my sewing table with. The table originally had a machine that folded down into a hole in the top when you weren’t using it, but I couldn’t work the machine (very old, very broken) so I gave it away and bought a dirt cheap one from someone who was cleaning out their aunt-in-law’s attic. Problem: new machine is smaller than old, so it falls through the hole in the table instead of sitting tidily on top of it. Rather than figure out a way to cut a piece of wood to plug the hole, I just wanted to buy a piece of plywood, cut it to fit the top of the entire table and screw it down.

I went to home depot and bought a shelf and screw hooks to make the pot rack thing, and a half sheet of plywood for the table project.

At the counter, I dropped the screw hooks into the bottom of the cart and somehow, stupidly, reached my hand through a hole in the cart to retrieve them and got my hand stuck. It took the cashier holding the card steady while I yanked backwards on the trapped hand to get myself free.

Then, at home, I was all I-am-woman-hear-me-roar and I unloaded the plywood by myself.

Did you know it’s been an unusually windy spring?

The wind caught the plywood and before I knew what was happening, I was three houses down the block and barefoot, having lost my flip flops somewhere along the way.

I wrestled the plywood back to my house and through the door, then unloaded the shelf I bought.

Turns out it’s about 2 inches too long for the space.

I need to return it, but after the whole got-my-hand-stuck-in-the-cart thing, I can’t bear to go back to the store today. It’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

Foolishly Stubborn

My mom is an emergency room nurse. Growing up, this meant many things for me. (1) whenever I got sick, my mom knew what was wrong and how to make it better; (2) in order to get sympathy I had to be missing a limb with active bleeding; (3) if I got into trouble, my mom KNEW because she knew every cop in three counties – this kept me on my best behavior because my mom was scarier than any cop, and; (4) I grew an overly confident sense of my own health and ability to recover from injury and illness.

Number 4 has led to a walk it off mentality. If I cannot walk it off, the suck it up mentality is quick to follow. For example, when I tore a ligament in my ankle last winter, I fell down on our icy driveway and sobbed and could barely move from the agony. Once the mister carted me inside and packed ice around my ankle, though, I was all “no, no, I’ll be fine. I’ll just rest for a minute and then I’ll walk it off.” The next morning I tried to stand up and my ankle just folded under the weight. So I went with suck it up until my mom told me to go to the hospital, dummy.

In the end, I am unreasonably stubborn when it comes to seeking medical attention. Whether it’s because I don’t want to bother the busy nurses or doctors or I just feel that my illness or injury isn’t that severe, I don’t know.

I get knots in my back, right between my shoulder blades. The knots are the result of tension. Usually, a long soak in the tub and an advil are enough to ease the knots. If not, I make the mister rub them out for me and they’re fine.

Recently, though, I’ve been getting them more frequently and they hurt more and they don’t ease up as well. So I’ve just been rolling my shoulders and listening to my joints crack and ignoring the pain.

Which led to today.

This morning when I tried to brush my hair I noticed that my upper back was really sore. I ignored it, got dressed, and headed out. At work, I tried to reach a coffee cup in the cabinet and found my arm would not extend above my shoulder. And my head refused to turn or lean to the right. In order to move my gaze, I had to shift my entire torso. I worked for several hours, whimpering occasionally when I turned too far. When my assistant referred to me as John McCain for the second time, I gave in and called the doctor.

The doctor looked at my naked back and pronounced me foolishly stubborn. “This has to have been painful for days. It looks like you’re smuggling marbles, your back is so knotted up. From now on, don’t ignore pain like this!”

Diagnosis: strained muscles in my upper back and a pinched nerve. Awesome. I got a referral to a chiropractor and a massage therapist and orders to go RIGHT NOW.

After they worked on me, I can turn my head a little more and my range of motion for my arm is somewhat improved, but I'm still very stiff. I have to go back on Wednesday and Friday and get fixed up again.

Proof I might be the most accident prone human in the world

You wouldn’t believe my morning.

We had a hearing at work at 9, which means we had to leave our office by 8:30 to make sure we had plenty of time to make it through security, which means I had to be to the office by 8:00, which means I had to leave my house no later than 7:00. And it means that I had to be dressed and groomed for a 9 a.m. court appearance instead of my normal Friday jeans-sweater-semi-decent-shoes ensemble.

So I got up at 6, showered, did my hair (which was significantly more challenging than normal because I just got it cut and it has ATTITUDE issues), yanked on a pantsuit, slapped on some make-up and went to put on my shoes.

And I slipped in a puddle of dog pee and fell down.

Into the puddle.

I turned my ankle, skinned a knuckle, and whacked my head on the floor.

And landed in a puddle of dog pee.

First time in a long time (well over a year) that the dog has peed on our floor and I fell in it wearing a freshly dry-cleaned suit on a morning when I couldn’t afford to be late.

Fucking Murphy’s law.

So I bellowed at the mister, who was, of course, still soundly asleep, to deal with the pee while I stripped and got back intothe shower. I didn’t have time to do my hair again, so I just ran a comb through it and hoped it would air dry by the time of my court appearance.

Since my only clean suit had just gotten a dunking, I was stuck tossing on a skirt and sweater set and hoping I could get away with it. I struggled into a pair of pantyhose, tossed my mascara into my bag for application on the train, and ran like hell for the door.

The good news is that after falling into a puddle of urine, your day can only improve.

One for the record books

I am accident prone. If there is a way to get hurt, I will find it. I stumble on level ground, I walk into stationary objects, and I drop everything. I have fallen out of chairs, spilled coffee, taken facers in public, slipped in icy parking lots, lost shoes on escalators, and managed to get hurt pretty much every way possible.

But this morning is shaping up to be one for the record books. I was running a copy of something and leaned over to get a paperclip. My hair, which is in desperate need of a trim, landed on top of the paper in the feeder tray at the top of the copier. Then it got sucked in.

This is probably the one time I will ever be grateful for that evil machine’s tendency to jam at the slightest provocation.

No serious injury, and I didn’t even need to call for help. I managed to free myself and walk back to my office, rubbing my smarting scalp, without anyone noticing.

A day

Today has been interesting. Not because work is awkward or uncomfortable (though it is) and not because I'm still feeling sort of ooked out and generally unsettled in regards to my life (though I am). It's been interesting because I keep dropping things and/or getting hurt.

I bought a scone for breakfast this morning (whose appetite is back? Mine!), ran into KVE at the coffee shop (I love that she works close enough that we can have these chance encounters in the skyway), and then dropped my scone on the escalator. It rolled all the way down to the bottom. Sad. I really wanted that scone.

I stapled my thumb. This actually happens a lot.

I spilled a full glass of water down my right pant leg.

I ate an apple and got bits stuck in my teeth, so I went to floss and managed to knock my permanent retainer loose.

I forgot that the toilet seat in the middle stall is loose and managed to go careening into the TP dispenser.

I can’t wait to see what the evening holds!

Accident Prone

I work in a small office. There are 8 of us. Sometimes 9 if our part-timer is in, which is rarely.

Three of us ride our bikes to work at least once a week.

I wear a bike helmet. This morning my boss, who also rides, was giving me kind of a hard time. I think he’s a wind-in-the-hair kind of fella.

“What do you need that for?” he asked.

I just looked at him for a minute, surprised he even asked. Then I replied with: “[boss], you’ve met me, right? In just the last year I’ve sprained my wrist, thrown out my back, torn a ligament in my ankle, required stitches on two different occasions, shut my hand in a filing cabinet, fallen down stairs, shut my head in the elevator door, and flipped backwards out of my desk chair. Why do you think I wear the helmet?”

“Point taken,” he murmured quietly, wandering into his office.

I got to go to the ER at 7:45 this morning

So, I’m working up this long post about my weekend, including the fun that is hosting a bridal shower without a kitchen sink, the joys of taking the bride out for an evening of dancing only to have her sit there, grumpy, at the table with a glass of water, but something came up.

That something is a fucking hole in my thigh.

See, that kitchen sink (the one that should be in my kitchen) is on a stool in my living room (don’t ask. The mister is seriously in the dog house over this.). This morning I showered, got dressed, and was walking to the dining room to feed the dog. The dog was performing his usual cartwheels at the possibility of getting fed and the little fucker tripped me. Guess what I ran into.

The sharp corner of the kitchen sink.

I now have a hole in my brand new black capris and a hole in my thigh to match.

The good news is that my mom snuck me into her ER and patched me up pretty quickly, so at least I didn’t have the 4 hour wait I would have enjoyed otherwise.