Saturday, November 8, 2008

Why we don't go out that often

Me: (spent 20 minutes in bathroom attempting to achieve perfect smoky-eye for evening out)
The mister: Dude, what happened to you? Did someone punch you?
Me: (turns back, heads into bathroom, scrubs face)


Me: Don’t forget, we’re going out for a nice dinner tonight.
The mister: How nice?
Me: You have to shave.
The mister: Do I have to dress up?
Me: Yes.
The mister: Which kind of dressed up?
Me: There are kinds?
The mister: Yeah. There are levels.
Me: Levels?
The mister: Yes, levels. Level one: jeans. Level two: jeans without holes. Level three: shirt with buttons. Level four: shirt with buttons all the way up. Level five: pants that are not jeans and a shirt with buttons all the way up. Level six: tie. Level seven: suit. Level eight: tux.
Me: Let’s go with Dress Up Level Five tonight, huh?
The mister: Why?
Me: Because I’m wearing pantyhose and heels. And uncomfortable underwear.
The mister: That translates to Level Five? I figured that put me at a Three, maybe a Four.
Me: Five. You’re lucky I’m not pushing for Seven.
The mister: Fine. Five. I need you to iron my shirt.


In the car, headed out for evening with my brother and his girlfriend. The mister is driving. He hands me a lighter.

Me: What the hell do you want me to do with this?
The mister: (hands me a cigar)
Me: I repeat, what the hell?
The mister: I want a cigar, but I can’t drive and light it at the same time.
Me: (highly doubts his previous statement, as has noticed a distinct cigar stink after he drives her car; he must’ve figured out how to light them one handed or drive with his knees) Again, what the hell do you want me to do?
The mister: Do you want me to draw you a picture? Light the cigar, please.
Me: Uh, no.
-argument continues for several more minutes, I capitulate and light the cigar-
The mister: That is so sexy.
Me: (cough, cough, gag, choke, cough, cough) Ugh. This thing tastes the way dirty socks smell. (hands over lit cigar)
(commences digging through purse for gum, breath mints, Listerine Pocket Pack, anything to get the taste out of my mouth, settles for peppermint lip gloss)

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