Sadly, I cannot eat bacon every morning

Several months ago I got a fitness assessment at my gym. It was…well…let’s go with slightly demoralizing.

First, the trainer played pinch an inch (or five) by measuring various fat deposits on my body with a set of calipers. Then I stood on a scale and was confronted with numbers. Big numbers. Then I showed off my incredible lack of flexibility (in my defense, I’ve never been flexible, even when I was in fantastic shape) and then I got to get on a treadmill and trot while the trainer tried to hold a conversation with me. I actually did pretty well at this part, trotting away and chatting, but my lack of physical coordination asserted itself when my right foot landed half on the spinning part of the treadmill and half on the stationary party and I nearly took a facer.

After the physical portion of the assessment, we sat down and the trainer asked me about my exercise, diet, goals, etc. One question was do I eat breakfast. I thought I did, since I drink coffee and will usually root around in the kitchen at work until something edible presents itself, but turns out I do not actually eat breakfast. Breakfast, to be called such by a trainer, must be eaten within one hour of waking. By the time I get to work and locate a scone or muffin, at least two hours have passed since my rolling out of bed, so no, I was not eating breakfast.

And, of course, not eating breakfast screws up your metabolism, breakfast is the most important meal blah blah blah.

I’m trying to eat breakfast now, but I’ve got to tell you, it’s tough. It’s the within-one-hour of waking thing. And not because I don’t have time to eat within one hour of waking. It’s because there are some things I just cannot eat without being awake for a while first. I prefer to eat most breakfast foods around brunch time – 10:00 a.m. or later. It takes me a long time to be awake and functioning in the mornings – I can brush my teeth and get dressed, but I cannot speak coherently or manage complex tasks until I’ve been up for at least an hour. My digestive system is the same way – certain tastes or textures before my taste buds and stomach are fully awake and with the program will do nothing but gross me out or make me vomit.

I cannot have milk until I’ve been awake for a while (unless it’s mixed in with coffee). Something about the way it coats the side of the glass and makes me all mucousy…gag. So, cereal is out. Oranges and grapefruits and their associated juices are out too. Too much acid, bad troubles. Oatmeal is out because it’s so thick and goopy and…gag. I cannot stand eggs unless I’ve been awake for a while. Scrambled, fried, an omelette, whatever. No. They’re jiggly or slimy or runny and…gag. Yogurt: slimy, goopy…gag. Bananas…gag.

So, basically, my breakfast options are dry cereal or toast. Hard to get really excited about eating either of those first thing out of bed in the morning. And, sadly, the trainer doesn’t think that eating bacon for breakfast every morning, within an hour of waking, is a good diet plan.