The following post was written by one of the participants in R's Blog Share.
Please comment!
Blog Share is where a bunch of bloggers exchange posts to publish on their own blogs, giving the writers a chance to post anonymously in someone else's space.
See my previous post for the list of Blog Share participants.
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I'll admit that I was thrilled to get to be a part of this Blog Share and was way excited to write an anonymous post…until I sat down to write it. What should I share with you? It's crazy that on my own blog I'm all about the shallow and the "hey guess what stupid thing I just did" but now that I have this reassuring cloak of anonymity on I'm feeling all of this pressure to be profound.
Why wasn't I born more profound? Why don't I leave the house more often so that I have things on which I can expound…profoundly? Where are all of my deep thoughts?
The truth is that most of my attention lately has been devoted to the douche knocker of a roommate that my fiancé and I took in. There are all sorts of problems with the guy and I have to say that if it were entirely up to me? His ass would have been kicked out weeks ago. My fiancé, on the other hand, is doing everything in his power to be the nice guy and is constantly telling me to have compassion for the guy. My fiancé is the best man I know (which is good since I'm marrying the guy).
Maybe that's my secret: Maybe I am compassionless.
Not all the time. Oh no, show me one of those David Duchovny voiced over commercials where the dogs don't understand why they can't be adopted and I'll start bawling and you'll have to wrestle the phone out of my hand because I want to adopt all of them! I've had to physically be pulled out of restaurants because I want to go in and buy a big meal for the homeless guy sitting outside and begging for change.
But show me a perfectly capable adult who won't take any responsibility for himself and all I feel is anger. Show me someone who blames his or her problems on depression and my sympathy? It gets gone real quick.
Let me be clear: Depression is very real and it is debilitating. I should know. I've had it. I know what it is like to have your bones and your muscles physically ache with anguish. I know how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning when depression takes hold. I know what it is like to feel like you are drowning and the surface of the water is just a couple of millimeters above your head but no matter how hard you swim, you can't seem to break through.
I've been there. And you know what? I got up. I went to work. I went to class. I ate my meals. I was not much fun to be around but I still functioned because I had to. Not once did I say that I couldn't do something because of my depression. And when people say that they shouldn't be held to the same standard as everyone else because they are having a hard time? Well, socially speaking… sure. It is tough to be around someone who is Deputy Downer all the time. But basic survival is not optional. When you are an adult, you get up in the morning. You do what you have to do because you are not a child.
For me, real depression is just…there. It isn't a conscious choice. It isn't an excuse. If you wake up in the morning and say "I don't feel like getting up today because my life sucks" it is one thing (especially when you get up anyway). If you wake up in the morning and hit snooze because you are so sad that bones ache and you just want five more minutes, fine. It's even okay to sleep through the alarm for a couple of hours once in a while. Nobody is perfect and once in a while depression tries to win. That said… If you wake up in the morning and say "I shouldn't have to get up today because my life sucks" and do that every. single. day but then get up and act perfectly fine when the "decision maker" (in this case my fiancé is the one who will decide once and for all when it is time to kick the guy out) is around, I have no compassion for that and do not think that I should try to find any.
Here is where my conundrum lies oh dear blog readers of…whoever's blog this thing ends up on. Does this make me a total bitch? Am I a hypocrite for having suffered depression myself but not being willing to accept it in others sometimes? Am I a terrible person because I think our roommate is a useless wanker and have gotten to a place where I would not care if he had to sleep in his car as long as it got him out of my house?
Thoughts?
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9 comments:
It sounds to me like you think the roommate isn't really depressed, just lazy and feeling down. And so I totally understand why you feel the way you do. Plus, having a roommate is just a pain sometimes, and even if they are the best roommate, it is easy to be annoyed by them. Just my opinion, of course.
Yes, roommates are hard. And it sounds like the care he needs would be better coming from a loved one, not a roommate. That's a lot of pressure to put on you and your fiance.
I know what it's like to have a mooch roommate. My husband and I have had a couple in the course of owning our home. There have been different varities: the broke roommate, the divorced roommate, the depressed roommate. The deal is that some people just need a hand for a little while, a place to crash and a friendly ear, and some people aren't grownups yet and can't survive on their own, so, like locusts, they move from family to friend to friend, sapping resources and burning bridges, until they get the boot and move on the the next sucker.
Sure, depression is real, but so is laziness. And it seems like your roommate is using the former as an excuse to be the latter. You're not at all compassionless for wanting the leech out of your house. That's probably your own survival instinct kicking in.
"Why wasn't I born more profound?"
HA! I love this. I wonder the same thing. OFTEN.
I agree with Buster. Depression is real, but so is laziness.
I think I know who you are, and I'm pretty sure I made my feelings clear on this issue. But. I'll say it again.
You are not a bitch. Kick his ass to the curb. Depression is TOTALLY real, but it is also TOTALLY manageable, and it doesn't give a person any excuse to freeload off others. And forgive me, but your fiance is getting taken for a ride.
I say this, by the way, as someone who was taken for a ride for over 5 years, and who is STILL (3 years later) repairing the damage. Don't be like me. Be smarter than me. And give in to your self-preservation. There's a reason it's there!
Whew! This topic lights a fire under my ass!
If he's not really depressed, then he's just lazy, and it does a disservice to those who have actually had depression when others trivialize it like that. Tell your fiance how much it bothers you and kick his ass out! Guys like him need the tough love.
I just a conversation with a parent of one of my high schoolers today and I had to say, "yes, your student has ADD, but he's also lazy." The parent was MAD at me for daring to say that.
If the guy has depression, he totally needs to get in under control. If he is lazy, he also needs to get that under control. Tell him that you're giving him X more months to get out and then once those X months are over, kick him out!
Nope, you sound perfectly reasonable and compassionate to me. Being compassionate doesn't mean being a doormat, so you're doing alright I think. People have to try. And then if they still need help, they won't be turned away when they reach out their hand. But people who don't make an effort aren't making a good case for being the recipient of compassion.
Kick this bum to the curb. Sometimes harsh reality is the best wake-up call. Coddling never served anyone.
I don't think you're a hypocrite. And the best thing I've heard all night is the term "douche knocker." Excellent.
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